What do you classify as a friend? Someone who shares common interests? Someone who is there for you when you are feeling down? Someone who you share fun moments of your life with?
At this point I have forgotten.
One thing I know for sure though is that a friend should not be the cause of your grief. Friends should not cause you to doubt yourself. To think you are trash nothing but the most worthless individual. I don't think my medication will fix this the wound has already been made. At first merely accepted as a joke then for it to go even further and the insistent insults sure does start to sound like the real thing. Sure I insult them too as a lil jab but still with the intent of joking and never taken too far as I try to be considerate to those friends and try not to take it too far.
Damn am I worthless.
I'll never make my parents proud. Never going to succeed. Never going to feel like I accomplished something. Never never never never never never going to stop hearing these whispers of despair.
Will they even care if they knew they hurt me? Unlikely. For why would they care about a useless individual such as I? I'm so alone forced to feel this despair swelling up in my chest. Why should I show it? No one would care surely no one ever has anyways. This mask is getting worn and tattered as I type its falling off more and more. If they see me without my mask they will just insult me more and feed that despair.
Why should I be insulted for my ideals? My own coping mechanism for this growing despair. Lock up those emotions they won't be able to effect you if they are locked up. But why, why did they have to break the lock even a little. Now I feel more alone than I ever have. Romantic desire only causes pain simply because it will never be sated. My heart has already been broken twice. That was the reason this desire was locked up in the first place. The lock is now broken and the cell door has opened. It hurts. Its all their fault. Not only that desire was freed. Self-doubt a trait that would break out normally has been freed causing more pain that I can't control.
My mask cannot be held up anymore. This despair has too much of a grasp over me now. I cannot talk to them anymore for I am no longer myself. I'll just have to lie here. Alone. Waiting for that day that my body finally gives out from age and I can die alone.
Fuck friends. They cause me too much pain anyways.
