Fate

Two points connected by a line, a line that may have already been decreed by fate or a line created by the sheer effort of both points. Nothing happens at random, yet nothing is determined ahead of time. If fate were real would we really feel the freedom we do now and I do not just mean freedom of one physically as some cannot be as lucky in that sense. What I mean is the freedom of the spirit you can think as you desire and believe in what you want to believe in. So does that mean that fate does not exist because of our freedom? Fate only exists if one believes it is so, if one wants to have their line drawn for them then they can good and well believe in fate and could have unexpected results. However, for those who desire their freedom effort is always required you must draw your line dot by dot pixel by pixel. Do not think that it does not require effort to follow a path fate has determined as in order to do that you must understand the signs given and sometimes fate may take a detour. Even with your own freedom you take detours either intentionally or unintentionally. Mistakes can even occur in both beliefs if you take a sign made by fate incorrectly it could result horribly. The same goes for choosing your own path as no one is perfect and mistakes will always be made. To finally answer the question of fate and if it exists or not. Yes and no who knows if fate determined that you would believe in it or if it was just the power of choice your spirit has. The question may never be answered in the end its really your choice, or is it?

Purpose

The mentality I hold is that I have problems but I always think that others are suffering more in a complete disregard to myself. Envy is a thing I don't have sure I may think I'm trash but that's how I decide to be I don't want to change myself. The lowest target on my list of importance is me others come first for surely they are suffering more. I must solve their problems I must be there for them no matter what it takes even if I have to jump in the way of a bullet for them I must help them no matter the cost. The only chance of change I have is for the desires of others for me to change I don't even understand why they would want to help me change I helped you recover from something so shitty isn't that the only purpose I have? Shouldn't you just take that moment of happiness however short I gave you and use it for your own purpose? Don't waste your own time on someone as disposable as me take that happiness and cash it in for your own improvement. I'm still human so of course I have my own desires but my friends always come first and I can't leave them to pursue this or else my purpose would be thrown out the window. Just knowing that I helped you soften whatever painful blows you've taken helps me control that monster of depression banging on its cage. Just be happy don't help me my only purpose is to help and there is nothing more I deserve.

Fuck Friends

What do you classify as a friend? Someone who shares common interests? Someone who is there for you when you are feeling down? Someone who you share fun moments of your life with?

At this point I have forgotten.

One thing I know for sure though is that a friend should not be the cause of your grief. Friends should not cause you to doubt yourself. To think you are trash nothing but the most worthless individual. I don't think my medication will fix this the wound has already been made. At first merely accepted as a joke then for it to go even further and the insistent insults sure does start to sound like the real thing. Sure I insult them too as a lil jab but still with the intent of joking and never taken too far as I try to be considerate to those friends and try not to take it too far.

Damn am I worthless.

I'll never make my parents proud. Never going to succeed. Never going to feel like I accomplished something.  Never never never never never never going to stop hearing these whispers of despair.

Will they even care if they knew they hurt me? Unlikely. For why would they care about a useless individual such as I? I'm so alone forced to feel this despair swelling up in my chest. Why should I show it? No one would care surely no one ever has anyways. This mask is getting worn and tattered as I type its falling off more and more. If they see me without my mask they will just insult me more and feed that despair.

Why should I be insulted for my ideals? My own coping mechanism for this growing despair. Lock up those emotions they won't be able to effect you if they are locked up. But why, why did they have to break the lock even a little. Now I feel more alone than I ever have. Romantic desire only causes pain simply because it will never be sated. My heart has already been broken twice. That was the reason this desire was locked up in the first place. The lock is now broken and the cell door has opened. It hurts. Its all their fault. Not only that desire was freed. Self-doubt a trait that would break out normally has been freed causing more pain that I can't control.

My mask cannot be held up anymore. This despair has too much of a grasp over me now. I cannot talk to them anymore for I am no longer myself. I'll just have to lie here. Alone. Waiting for that day that my body finally gives out from age and I can die alone.

Fuck friends. They cause me too much pain anyways.

Friends

High School has been done and over with for a couple months now, and damn I've been dead silent. The reason for my not grand return..... a friend. A very dear friend who doesn't even know why he is the reason for this. Then again he might realize very quickly. Anyways lets get on with the show.

High School was filled with its ups and downs, and I must say there was quite a lot of both all around.

Year 1: A shy little teen too scared to make a sound with the thought in his head that he could be the laughing stock of the whole school in a matter of seconds. No friends. No experience. No hope. As this little teen tried his best to keep his grades intact and to not disappoint his family. He never wanted to disappoint anyone. To this day he still doesn't. Finally after half of that year had taken its course he met someone. What a strange meetup it was. Someone with fresh memes and happiness for whatever reason. That little teen was no longer all alone as he sat against the wall eating his lunch, now he had a friend who would sit beside him. Still even after meeting this new friend the teen refused to accept it. It cannot be this easy to make a friend what about the trial through fire I would have to succeed to get to such a title, and yes this refusal tended to get violent. Unintentional anger towards this person for the simple fact that he kept that smile on his face even after what the teen said. Soon acceptance was gained and the friend still stays to this day. Later that year whispers of another friend started to arise. With this refusal for friends out of the way the teen gladly allowed another friend to join his circle. Still anti-social and during fourth quarter this other new friend tried his best to help the teen become more social to not be as afraid of what people think. While not obvious to this friend he helped the teen in more ways than he even knew.

Year 2: Much more social now than before the teen makes a return and strengthens the friendship he had started the year before and even started making more at a rapid rate. The teen now felt that he needs to help any friends he makes in the same way the teens first two did for him. Even with depression weighing him down this teen desired to help other friends in any way he could.

Year 3: A large group of friends now existed for the teen to talk to each equally important. Sure some friends still suffered from internal problems but for the most part this 3rd year was a much more calm time.

Year 4: The final year for the Teen the year that the teen thought would cause sadness by the end of it like he couldn't even believe. The teen didn't want to lose his friends so he wanted to make the most of this final year and tried to talk to all of his friends and spend as much time as he could so that he would never forget them.

Now two months have passed, and I still try to stay in contact with those friends I made. To learn that one finds himself to be alone has caused a deep sadness in my heart. I want to be with that friend, I want him to know that even if others are not willing to put up with him I will. I will always be willing to put up with him, because he is so precious to me just like all my friends are.


Don't think you are entirely alone. If ever you need someone I'll be there, and that goes for any of my friends, who are my only reason for living.

Control

I hate it I hate the emotions put inside of me I just want to crush them to bits until I no longer have to worry about them. Just the thought that so many weaknesses could be inside of me just because of these damn emotions. No matter how much I crush them they never go away and that irritates me more than anything. Why is there a lack of control in my own mind, what the hell is the point if I can't have control. I don't care how much I need to fight I don't care what I have to sacrifice I demand control of my own life. Fuck the feeling of hopelessness restraining me from doing what I want. Fuck the anxiety that tells me to make up an excuse to not go to an event. Fuck this poison I have to put into my own bloodstream its not control if I am stuck with the emotion I was given in that small cylinder.

I will have control of myself even if I have to break things along the way.

Medication

The problems all confirmed, questions all answered truthfully all pointing towards the result. The recommended course of action, a forced change, a forced existence. Why solve the problem yourself or with the help of people. Just grab a handful and ingest with your morning eggs, surely you will enjoy it a forced change, you never wanted that side of you anyways and sacrifices must be made so why not only feel the one thing we desire for you to feel. Its not just the morning anymore now you need it after lunch as well can't go back to what you were right? The results would surely only be catastrophic. You have surely become hooked now you don't want this happiness to go away keep it with you whenever you want. Its become worse now you're taking it before you go to bed. Can't give it a chance to resurface not even while you're sleeping. Now you can sleep happily, wake up happily, go about your daily activities happily, interact with your friends happily. They've noticed you have changed and don't give off the same flare as before. Need more, more of this miracle drug that makes you happy what would you be without this magic. They don't understand, they've left because you refuse to listen to their advice, they are trying to take away your happiness you cannot let them do that. Who needed friends anyways they weren't important to your happiness.

Live Happily. Die Happily.






I can only hope that this will not be my future.

Rage Factory

A small ball of rage, ever producing it's resource that already is in abundance. It's how I view myself, don't take it the wrong way this rage is probably not set for you. No matter how much rage I release there is still more. I force my body to be run down from just one release of rage. I long for a moment to release this rage I cannot do it to those I call family. To be considered an actual friend is to be considered as family. Longing to release this rage in a way that would please only those as sadistic as I can be. Not anyone can fit the prerequisites for this punishment only those who believe they have more power, who act like they know it all and cannot be told no. All they are is a burden on the rest of humanity. Of course there is a difference between thinking you know something and actually knowing something. Those who are educated in certain fields are priceless but should not praised too much in fear that they may turn into something more undesirable. Sometimes this rage must also be used on those who are the opposite of these undesirables. They do not deserve the pain that those on the other side must receive. These individuals think they are worth nothing wasting their own potential. Rage on those individuals is spent in a jumpstart much more friendly in a sense but a use of rage is sometimes required for those people. I guess to recap I possess a large hatred towards overconfident bastards who think they have somehow surpassed everyone else. However I possess a large amount of kindness to those who think they are not worth anything. Everyone has potential in them and they should use it to the best of their abilities even if they need someone else to help them do so.