Control

I hate it I hate the emotions put inside of me I just want to crush them to bits until I no longer have to worry about them. Just the thought that so many weaknesses could be inside of me just because of these damn emotions. No matter how much I crush them they never go away and that irritates me more than anything. Why is there a lack of control in my own mind, what the hell is the point if I can't have control. I don't care how much I need to fight I don't care what I have to sacrifice I demand control of my own life. Fuck the feeling of hopelessness restraining me from doing what I want. Fuck the anxiety that tells me to make up an excuse to not go to an event. Fuck this poison I have to put into my own bloodstream its not control if I am stuck with the emotion I was given in that small cylinder.

I will have control of myself even if I have to break things along the way.

Medication

The problems all confirmed, questions all answered truthfully all pointing towards the result. The recommended course of action, a forced change, a forced existence. Why solve the problem yourself or with the help of people. Just grab a handful and ingest with your morning eggs, surely you will enjoy it a forced change, you never wanted that side of you anyways and sacrifices must be made so why not only feel the one thing we desire for you to feel. Its not just the morning anymore now you need it after lunch as well can't go back to what you were right? The results would surely only be catastrophic. You have surely become hooked now you don't want this happiness to go away keep it with you whenever you want. Its become worse now you're taking it before you go to bed. Can't give it a chance to resurface not even while you're sleeping. Now you can sleep happily, wake up happily, go about your daily activities happily, interact with your friends happily. They've noticed you have changed and don't give off the same flare as before. Need more, more of this miracle drug that makes you happy what would you be without this magic. They don't understand, they've left because you refuse to listen to their advice, they are trying to take away your happiness you cannot let them do that. Who needed friends anyways they weren't important to your happiness.

Live Happily. Die Happily.






I can only hope that this will not be my future.

Rage Factory

A small ball of rage, ever producing it's resource that already is in abundance. It's how I view myself, don't take it the wrong way this rage is probably not set for you. No matter how much rage I release there is still more. I force my body to be run down from just one release of rage. I long for a moment to release this rage I cannot do it to those I call family. To be considered an actual friend is to be considered as family. Longing to release this rage in a way that would please only those as sadistic as I can be. Not anyone can fit the prerequisites for this punishment only those who believe they have more power, who act like they know it all and cannot be told no. All they are is a burden on the rest of humanity. Of course there is a difference between thinking you know something and actually knowing something. Those who are educated in certain fields are priceless but should not praised too much in fear that they may turn into something more undesirable. Sometimes this rage must also be used on those who are the opposite of these undesirables. They do not deserve the pain that those on the other side must receive. These individuals think they are worth nothing wasting their own potential. Rage on those individuals is spent in a jumpstart much more friendly in a sense but a use of rage is sometimes required for those people. I guess to recap I possess a large hatred towards overconfident bastards who think they have somehow surpassed everyone else. However I possess a large amount of kindness to those who think they are not worth anything. Everyone has potential in them and they should use it to the best of their abilities even if they need someone else to help them do so.

Hope For Tomorrow

It's been so long that I have been forced to deal with my own problems. Rarely venting to anyone nearby I stick to being alone like I always have been. Even if I ask for help I am either quickly rejected or lied to in such a heartbreaking manner. How can someone tell you to just solve all your problems yourself while you are breaking down in front of the one you are telling to do so? I don't want to just be able to put on these masks. At this point I want to get rid of my previous tactic of just forcing to put on this mask. I want all of those emotions swirling around to actually be a part of me, but I cannot do that without help. I'm not always happy its just an act a good amount of the time. Simply putting aside my emotions and not acknowledging them only causes greater problems and worse breakdowns. I don't want to ask my friends for help they might only worry if they knew about the me behind the mask, if they could see the despair in my eyes while i'm smiling widely. I want to be that friend that smiles and is willing to help those I consider a friend, but I need to have my own personal strength in order to do so. My fears wrap around me sinking in and causing nothing but dread, so many things that I cannot change that will inevitably happen. I'm going to lose them all that is an inevitability it doesn't matter when its going to happen and I hate that I hate not being able to change my own fate. It's already been determined I cannot act to stop it and the very thought of it hurts.

I should at least enjoy their company while I still can who knows when fate is going to take them away from me.