It's been so long that I have been forced to deal with my own problems. Rarely venting to anyone nearby I stick to being alone like I always have been. Even if I ask for help I am either quickly rejected or lied to in such a heartbreaking manner. How can someone tell you to just solve all your problems yourself while you are breaking down in front of the one you are telling to do so? I don't want to just be able to put on these masks. At this point I want to get rid of my previous tactic of just forcing to put on this mask. I want all of those emotions swirling around to actually be a part of me, but I cannot do that without help. I'm not always happy its just an act a good amount of the time. Simply putting aside my emotions and not acknowledging them only causes greater problems and worse breakdowns. I don't want to ask my friends for help they might only worry if they knew about the me behind the mask, if they could see the despair in my eyes while i'm smiling widely. I want to be that friend that smiles and is willing to help those I consider a friend, but I need to have my own personal strength in order to do so. My fears wrap around me sinking in and causing nothing but dread, so many things that I cannot change that will inevitably happen. I'm going to lose them all that is an inevitability it doesn't matter when its going to happen and I hate that I hate not being able to change my own fate. It's already been determined I cannot act to stop it and the very thought of it hurts.
I should at least enjoy their company while I still can who knows when fate is going to take them away from me.
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