The Beginning

It's been a while since I have posted anything. Hell most wouldn't even know about those posts, as my feelings deemed those posts disgusting and should be shunned. I can only hope that I can refuse that sense of disgust to this post. Now enough of the nonsense of an introduction.

My heart has never truly opened to others the me people see is barely even a fraction of who I am. This personality is but a show I feel must be put up for the masses. However, be sure not to take it the wrong way the feelings I express are true to its very core. People all around me experience such similar problems to mine, yet some of them seem unable to control themselves, now of course I try to be there for anyone who may need the help whom I have deemed deserving restricted to those who I don't see as a plague upon this already poisoned earth. My emotions swirl within this vessel I am attached to, and in order to keep even the slightest amount of order I try to exile these emotions they couldn't be me they surely can't be. Quickly lock them up, force them to wear a mask of the only emotion I allow, they must not be set free in fear of the chaos that could happen afterwards. Anger. The emotion that attempts to fight back the most. The feeling of crushing those well deserving of it, the feeling that even tries to help the emotional problems of others, but only ends up unnecessary as you cannot force someone to stop feeling depressed. Depression. The second strongest emotion constantly trying to pull off its mask but only truly attempts to escape when my vessel is at its weakest. Capable of destroying everything I have built up trying to cut off any of the connections I have made. Refuse any invitations, push them away friend or foe, hold onto those failures, those mistakes, worthless, whats the point of existence when you have already failed this much, you couldn't save that friendship because you were weak, you never had the strength to ask her out because of how weak you were, now there is no hope of that ever becoming a relationship, where is she now you will never know for she is gone from your life never to return and it is all your fault. Anxiety. Working hand in hand with depression anxiety forces my vessel to be weak, the slightest mistakes a stutter, an incorrect sentence, incorrect body language, all capable of sending myself into a frenzy of fear, what if they took what I said wrong, why would I do this no one would care why must I talk to any of them i'm only going to end up hurt, please I only want to make them happy if i'm not doing that then why am I here, don't mess up its your party, why must I be the star of the show everyone is watching me a single mistake and they will all know they will all remember why can't I do everything correctly I only want to stand perfect when in front of them, I want to be a source of strength for others but I cannot do that when I mess up so often. Happiness. The emotion I try to hold onto my only source of strength, my source of light. I must force this emotion to appear i'm sure that it can handle the attention, laugh off a simple mistake, hell why not make a joke out of it, it could brighten the day of others so it must be worth it right? Maybe with this happiness I could even control Anger. Force his purpose into short bursts for my own purpose. Like a soldier I send that beast to war against the others who refuse to wear my mask. Crush depression, break it, it cannot be destroyed for it only returns, look at anxiety and force it to forget. Almost like balancing forces I try to keep these emotions in check, like the king to my own kingdom, I must keep my subjects in line, but there are many. Those emotions, however must be saved for another time.

I am surprised that I mustered up the motivation to write again, to say the least it feels good to post my feelings. For people to be able to understand me better just from reading this is just wonderful, and of course I intend to only write more and more, maybe one day there will be someone who can fully understand me, but until that day I will wait as I always have. I can only thank a certain someone for breaking my self-doubt and filling me with inspiration.

I will return this time for I cannot allow myself to make the same type of mistake as I have in the past.