It's been so long that I have been forced to deal with my own problems. Rarely venting to anyone nearby I stick to being alone like I always have been. Even if I ask for help I am either quickly rejected or lied to in such a heartbreaking manner. How can someone tell you to just solve all your problems yourself while you are breaking down in front of the one you are telling to do so? I don't want to just be able to put on these masks. At this point I want to get rid of my previous tactic of just forcing to put on this mask. I want all of those emotions swirling around to actually be a part of me, but I cannot do that without help. I'm not always happy its just an act a good amount of the time. Simply putting aside my emotions and not acknowledging them only causes greater problems and worse breakdowns. I don't want to ask my friends for help they might only worry if they knew about the me behind the mask, if they could see the despair in my eyes while i'm smiling widely. I want to be that friend that smiles and is willing to help those I consider a friend, but I need to have my own personal strength in order to do so. My fears wrap around me sinking in and causing nothing but dread, so many things that I cannot change that will inevitably happen. I'm going to lose them all that is an inevitability it doesn't matter when its going to happen and I hate that I hate not being able to change my own fate. It's already been determined I cannot act to stop it and the very thought of it hurts.
I should at least enjoy their company while I still can who knows when fate is going to take them away from me.
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Thursday, April 26, 2018
What
What is going on. What is happening to me. What am I thinking. What am I doing. What influenced this. What do I do about this. What would the others think if they knew. What would I do if they knew. What would I do as they sit there in disgust. What would I say. What would they say. What must I do to be forgiven. What would happen even if they accepted that fact. What would I change if given a second chance. What would make me deserving of a second chance. What am I even talking about. What do you think. What should I do.
Why should I even tell them.
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
My Kingdom Part 2
Every kingdom requires their rulers, a king and a queen working hand in hand to make good appearances and ensure the survival of the kingdom. In this kingdom however, no such duo exists another seat next to the kings throne exists but has never had a purpose. The king bitter in this fact merely grits his teeth and continues to take on the burden alone. The safety of the kingdom is his primary concern why should he do as the people ask on matters relating to a queen, even his allies from afar pressure the king into such a decision. The more they pressure the more the king realizes how much he desires a queen to sit next to him and help him satisfy the people. This is no easy task however, it will require many negotiations, the king may even need to leave his kingdom and what if he doesn't return with good news, how would the people react surely it would cause an uproar. The king, unable to do something as simple as find another to lead, how can that man lead us to safety with such a lack of skill in negotiations. Thus the king must try to negotiate such actions in secret unaware to his people who may get their hopes up. How could he manage such a thing his people are always watching, including those traitors who are just waiting to find something to ruin the kingdom. Even if the king were to be successful in arranging such a thing, what if this queen is only there for the wealth the kingdom has to offer, what if she leaves once the kingdom has no more to provide. That could lead to destruction far worse than anything the rebellion could muster, it could even kill the king, who would lead? If all were to go well and a kind and proper queen would show up the kingdom would be stronger than ever maybe even muster up the people to help fight back against the rebellion. The king still has time to debate on his next course of action his people are still willing to wait the traitors are struggling to get their militia to act.
The king must act soon, for who knows how long he has on his throne. It could end for him at anytime, and he must be ready.
The king must act soon, for who knows how long he has on his throne. It could end for him at anytime, and he must be ready.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
My Kingdom Part 1
A King sits at his throne, gazing down the Great Hall. Deciding where he shall take his people next. The king worries about his kingdom, but is much more concerned with neighboring kingdom's as if they fall there will certainly be an uprising in his own. Traitors exist attempting to overthrow the king at every advantage, they must not be given the chance. Another reason the other kingdom's must stay stable, they lend there forces to the king's aid at a moment's notice. Willing to help fight against this rebellion for the sake of the king and his good willed people. However the king cannot always depend on his allies some skirmishes must be solved with his own forces, and while the king's military force is one to be feared by these traitors, they are not the only ones to be struck with fear the kings people cower at the sight of the soldiers. The reason, these soldiers have been known to cause more collateral damage than to actually solve the problem. Shaking the very foundations of this kingdom when released, the cost of repairs is exponential and requires time to complete. After such an event the king is distressed hoping for financial aid from his allies. However the release of his soldiers has also struck fear into some of his allies, fearing that they may be next in the line of chaos.
The king still sits in his throne waiting for the next uprising.
Monday, April 23, 2018
The Beginning
It's been a while since I have posted anything. Hell most wouldn't even know about those posts, as my feelings deemed those posts disgusting and should be shunned. I can only hope that I can refuse that sense of disgust to this post. Now enough of the nonsense of an introduction.
My heart has never truly opened to others the me people see is barely even a fraction of who I am. This personality is but a show I feel must be put up for the masses. However, be sure not to take it the wrong way the feelings I express are true to its very core. People all around me experience such similar problems to mine, yet some of them seem unable to control themselves, now of course I try to be there for anyone who may need the help whom I have deemed deserving restricted to those who I don't see as a plague upon this already poisoned earth. My emotions swirl within this vessel I am attached to, and in order to keep even the slightest amount of order I try to exile these emotions they couldn't be me they surely can't be. Quickly lock them up, force them to wear a mask of the only emotion I allow, they must not be set free in fear of the chaos that could happen afterwards. Anger. The emotion that attempts to fight back the most. The feeling of crushing those well deserving of it, the feeling that even tries to help the emotional problems of others, but only ends up unnecessary as you cannot force someone to stop feeling depressed. Depression. The second strongest emotion constantly trying to pull off its mask but only truly attempts to escape when my vessel is at its weakest. Capable of destroying everything I have built up trying to cut off any of the connections I have made. Refuse any invitations, push them away friend or foe, hold onto those failures, those mistakes, worthless, whats the point of existence when you have already failed this much, you couldn't save that friendship because you were weak, you never had the strength to ask her out because of how weak you were, now there is no hope of that ever becoming a relationship, where is she now you will never know for she is gone from your life never to return and it is all your fault. Anxiety. Working hand in hand with depression anxiety forces my vessel to be weak, the slightest mistakes a stutter, an incorrect sentence, incorrect body language, all capable of sending myself into a frenzy of fear, what if they took what I said wrong, why would I do this no one would care why must I talk to any of them i'm only going to end up hurt, please I only want to make them happy if i'm not doing that then why am I here, don't mess up its your party, why must I be the star of the show everyone is watching me a single mistake and they will all know they will all remember why can't I do everything correctly I only want to stand perfect when in front of them, I want to be a source of strength for others but I cannot do that when I mess up so often. Happiness. The emotion I try to hold onto my only source of strength, my source of light. I must force this emotion to appear i'm sure that it can handle the attention, laugh off a simple mistake, hell why not make a joke out of it, it could brighten the day of others so it must be worth it right? Maybe with this happiness I could even control Anger. Force his purpose into short bursts for my own purpose. Like a soldier I send that beast to war against the others who refuse to wear my mask. Crush depression, break it, it cannot be destroyed for it only returns, look at anxiety and force it to forget. Almost like balancing forces I try to keep these emotions in check, like the king to my own kingdom, I must keep my subjects in line, but there are many. Those emotions, however must be saved for another time.
I am surprised that I mustered up the motivation to write again, to say the least it feels good to post my feelings. For people to be able to understand me better just from reading this is just wonderful, and of course I intend to only write more and more, maybe one day there will be someone who can fully understand me, but until that day I will wait as I always have. I can only thank a certain someone for breaking my self-doubt and filling me with inspiration.
I will return this time for I cannot allow myself to make the same type of mistake as I have in the past.
My heart has never truly opened to others the me people see is barely even a fraction of who I am. This personality is but a show I feel must be put up for the masses. However, be sure not to take it the wrong way the feelings I express are true to its very core. People all around me experience such similar problems to mine, yet some of them seem unable to control themselves, now of course I try to be there for anyone who may need the help whom I have deemed deserving restricted to those who I don't see as a plague upon this already poisoned earth. My emotions swirl within this vessel I am attached to, and in order to keep even the slightest amount of order I try to exile these emotions they couldn't be me they surely can't be. Quickly lock them up, force them to wear a mask of the only emotion I allow, they must not be set free in fear of the chaos that could happen afterwards. Anger. The emotion that attempts to fight back the most. The feeling of crushing those well deserving of it, the feeling that even tries to help the emotional problems of others, but only ends up unnecessary as you cannot force someone to stop feeling depressed. Depression. The second strongest emotion constantly trying to pull off its mask but only truly attempts to escape when my vessel is at its weakest. Capable of destroying everything I have built up trying to cut off any of the connections I have made. Refuse any invitations, push them away friend or foe, hold onto those failures, those mistakes, worthless, whats the point of existence when you have already failed this much, you couldn't save that friendship because you were weak, you never had the strength to ask her out because of how weak you were, now there is no hope of that ever becoming a relationship, where is she now you will never know for she is gone from your life never to return and it is all your fault. Anxiety. Working hand in hand with depression anxiety forces my vessel to be weak, the slightest mistakes a stutter, an incorrect sentence, incorrect body language, all capable of sending myself into a frenzy of fear, what if they took what I said wrong, why would I do this no one would care why must I talk to any of them i'm only going to end up hurt, please I only want to make them happy if i'm not doing that then why am I here, don't mess up its your party, why must I be the star of the show everyone is watching me a single mistake and they will all know they will all remember why can't I do everything correctly I only want to stand perfect when in front of them, I want to be a source of strength for others but I cannot do that when I mess up so often. Happiness. The emotion I try to hold onto my only source of strength, my source of light. I must force this emotion to appear i'm sure that it can handle the attention, laugh off a simple mistake, hell why not make a joke out of it, it could brighten the day of others so it must be worth it right? Maybe with this happiness I could even control Anger. Force his purpose into short bursts for my own purpose. Like a soldier I send that beast to war against the others who refuse to wear my mask. Crush depression, break it, it cannot be destroyed for it only returns, look at anxiety and force it to forget. Almost like balancing forces I try to keep these emotions in check, like the king to my own kingdom, I must keep my subjects in line, but there are many. Those emotions, however must be saved for another time.
I am surprised that I mustered up the motivation to write again, to say the least it feels good to post my feelings. For people to be able to understand me better just from reading this is just wonderful, and of course I intend to only write more and more, maybe one day there will be someone who can fully understand me, but until that day I will wait as I always have. I can only thank a certain someone for breaking my self-doubt and filling me with inspiration.
I will return this time for I cannot allow myself to make the same type of mistake as I have in the past.
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